


My Fear Turned to Ashes

by Brumeier



Series: Bite Sized Fic 2018 [23]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abandonment, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Not Really Character Death, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 01:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14759949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brumeier/pseuds/Brumeier
Summary: LJ Comment Fic for Episode Titles prompt:MCU, Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes "Lost and Found" (Crossing lines)In which Steve's abandonment issues are horribly realized.





	My Fear Turned to Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Written for h/c bingo: abandonment
> 
> Spoilers for _Avengers: Infinity War_

_Steve’s body was one big throbbing pain, but he was still on his feet. Still fighting. He didn’t know where all of his teammates were, or if they were even still alive; casualties for the Wakandan forces had been high. He couldn’t think about any of that, though. He had to stay focused._

_And then Thor was there, his new weapon punching through Thanos and saving the day. They’d toppled the Titan. Or so it had seemed. But then Thanos had snapped the fingers encased in the gauntlet and he was gone, and it was starting to feel less and less like a victory._

_Wanda, grieving beside Vision’s lifeless body, looked at Steve in a panic as she turned to ash right before his eyes. It was an almost silent disintegration, and by the time Steve got to her it was as if she’d never been there at all._

_“No!” Steve shouted, hands curled into fists._

_Wanda had been the youngest, the one that needed the most looking-after. And he’d failed her._

_The walking tree went next, leaving his raccoon friend looking lost and bewildered and more than a little sad, which were odd emotions to see on a raccoon._

_Steve had to find Bucky. Surely he’d be spared, after everything he’d been through. The universe couldn’t be that cruel, not when Bucky was finally reclaiming his life. Panic beat at Steve’s chest like a trapped bird._

_“Steve?”_

_Thank god! Bucky was there, Bucky was safe! But when Steve turned around he saw his friend was slowly turning to ashes as well. He staggered towards Steve, dropping his gun, fear in his eyes._

_“Buck!” Steve ran, catching Bucky as he started to fall and lowering them both to the ground. “Don’t go. Please don’t go.”_

_There was no pain, which Steve supposed was a small mercy. Bucky just looked scared, and maybe a little resigned._

_“Sorry,” he said. Half of his body was gone. “End of the line, Stevie.”_

_Tears spilled out of Steve’s eyes and he leaned down, pressed his lips against Bucky’s. In another second the man was gone, nothing to show he’d been there but a little pile of ashes on the ground._

_Bucky was gone. Again. He’d left Steve behind. Again._

_Steve couldn’t catch his breath. He just kept kneeling there, his hand pressed to the ground, his heart turned to glass shards. There hadn’t been any pain for Bucky but pain was all Steve had. Abandoned as he had been all those years ago when Bucky fell from the train. As he had been when Bucky put himself back in cold storage._

_He was destined to always be alone._

Steve woke with a gasp, his heart racing. Despair covered him like a heavy, sodden blanket and his face was wet with tears. Bucky was gone, lost to him forever, and he wished for the ice, wished for a way to numb himself so he couldn’t feel the loss.

A hand touched his shoulder and he jerked away, startled.

“Hey. It’s okay.”

“Bucky?”

Bucky! He was there, alive and whole and solid beside Steve. His hair was mussed from sleep and he was wearing the same rumpled Captain America shirt he’d gone to bed in.

Steve launched himself at Bucky, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s broad shoulders and unashamedly snuffling into his neck. His breath only hitched a little when Bucky likewise wrapped his arms around Steve, the metal arm cool even through Steve’s shirt.

“It’s okay, Stevie. I gotcha. Whatever it is, it’s over now.”

The words were softly spoken and Steve nodded against Bucky’s shoulder. It was over. Just a crazy dream. Maybe it had been that close call from the last mission, or that almost-fight with Tony when he’d realized who Hydra had sent to kill his parents all those years ago. Maybe Steve just had deep-seated abandonment issues that had turned his fears into a purple alien who had the power to unmake half the people in the universe.

“You want to talk about it?” Bucky asked as Steve’s breathing finally started to even out and his heart stopped trying to burst out of his chest.

“Not really,” Steve replied. He sat back, rubbing his face with his hands. “Just a stupid dream.”

“Must’ve been a doozy.” Bucky’s tone was light but even in the long shadows of their bedroom the concern on his face was easy to see.

“Yeah. Sorry I woke you.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Bucky said, though his voice was laced with affection. “How many times have I been the one with bad dreams?”

 _That’s different_ , Steve wanted to say. What Bucky had been through was incomprehensible, and the fact that he was still sane was a damned miracle. But he knew Bucky would argue the point and Steve didn’t want to get into that again. Not tonight. Not when he was still feeling the phantom edges of that unbelievable loss.

“Let’s just go back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay.” Bucky pulled Steve down and spooned up behind him, cradling Steve in his arms so gently that Steve felt tears prickling at his eyes again. “I love you, you know. And I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” Steve said. He burrowed back against Bucky and covered Bucky’s hands with his own. “Love you, too.”

When he finally fell back to sleep he dreamed only of Bucky’s lips on his under the warm sunshine.

**Author's Note:**

>  **AN:** Bucky turning to ashes in Infinity War was just heart-breaking. But it also seemed like something that would turn up in one of the weird dreams I always have, and so I made it all just a dream for Steve. I also decided Civil War didn’t happen, just because I can. ::grins::
> 
> Any discrepancies between that scene in IW and this fic are due to it all being a dream.


End file.
